It is Friday evening. I am writing this while on a flight from Washington, DC to Nashville. I am wondering if this will be my last flight for a long time.
Recently I decided that what I am doing is not worth it. I am needed elsewhere. Actually, I have been “elsewhere”; I am needed at home.
If I created a list of my priorities in order of importance to me, and then I created a second list documenting where my attention / time goes, the two lists would be distant cousins at best. It doesn’t have to be that way.
I shouldn’t be writing this, and I definitely should not post this when I land (if you are reading this then shoulda, coulda, woulda). The fact of the matter is that I am going to stop traveling.
I have 4 little boys at home who need a father. If I was going to skip out on their lives I should have been sailing around the world (see things to do before I die) and not flying from city to city doing analytics stuff for companies. Sure, I have been doing this for them, but isn’t that the tired story we have heard too much from the previous generation(s)… Mom at home, Dad working all the time and missing sporting events, kids watching too much TV and eating McDonalds. As time goes on they buy bigger houses, they buy fancier cars, and the vacations get more extravagant. They are chasing the American Dream one financed purchase at a time. Until eventually the kids are grown, the parents no longer know each other, and the Dad looks back and wonders if it was all worth it.
Fuck that!
There have been some things lately that have made me realize that I am not where I am needed most. My family will fall apart if I don’t get my ass home and do what needs to be done.
Every man has these twisted fantasies where something bad is happening to their family and they step in and kick some ass to save their loved ones. I am quite sure that back in the day that kind of scenario wasn’t too far fetched. Those heroic fantasies have probably been an important part of our continued survival, helping to prepare warriors to protect the tribe. But in this day and age, with my family, that is not how it is playing out. I have the opportunity to step in and kick some serious ass to take care of my family; there are just no bad guys other than neglect and stress. Too bad too; it would be much easier to kick the burglar’s ass.
I have written quite a few posts on this blog about “attention”. I have written about measuring attention. I have written about using attention metrics to make projections about importance. I have talked about attention as an element of depth in social networks. My family is the social network that matters most, and this travel is stealing their attention. You wanna talk “depth” as a measure of attention? Read a book to a child.
6 Comments
Jaxn, I think it’s a wise choice. Mazel tov on the decision to be a father that’s around!
Bold decision made bravely or brave decision made boldly — either way, more power to ya, man!
Tough man. I don’t have kids, but am going through much of the same “what do i want to do when (if) i grow up)” kinda of soul searching. I can continue down the path and do the job i’ve done for the last 5 years and make lots more good money… but is that what i really want to do? Do i have the skill set to do what i would like to do? I am weighing these mostly against my ability to stay sane and present for my wife and future kids. Tough, tough stuff.
Sounds like you’re making a wise decision though, and maybe i can use it as incentive to push me over the fence (which ever way that is…).
i’ll be terse and to the point, jackson. you posted three blog posts on 12/4. you’ve posted before about wanting to post 1000 posts in a year. what a lofty goal, if not senseless. maybe if you didn’t think so much about your blog, you’d have more time to spend with your family. don’t share your thoughts with the denizens of the internet, share your feelings with sabrina, share some football time with your sons.
i’m a brash individual, so let me tone it down and impart upon you some father-son experience from my childhood:
my dad is quite the independent individual. he is a sagittarius, a fire sign, just like leo, who i am. what he does now is no different from what he did when i was a kid.
he’s a hunter. he’s gone on the weekends. what he hunts doesn’t matter. it could be deer, turkey, or dove. sometimes he takes fridays, mondays, thursdays, or tuesdays off to go with it. in the summer, he goes camping on weekends. fishing. whatever’s in season, that’s what he does.
fact is, i’ve resented him ever since i’ve been old enough to remember. he always hoped that i’d share his passion, but i never did. a few years back, he went around my mother and spent $10K on an airstream. i saw his camping world credit card about a year back. it’s got over NINETY THOUSAND DOLLARS on it. he’s the most self-centered idiot jackass on this planet.
all i ever wanted as a kid was for him to throw the football with me. but the fact was, he was never there, and my development suffered as a result.
money is lifeless paper that fades in short time. but your kids do not, and you are the most influential person in your children’s lives right now.
Oh, Jackson, this post hit home, and made me tear up! John’s heart has been aching this same ache very much recently. He’s been working very hard on changing what he does to remedy it. (He’s trying to make the transition from road warrior to session musician; a big reason why we recently moved here from Austin).
I send him pictures & videos and try to keep him updated on Braden’s daily activities/developments. It’s bittersweet for him. He always laughs/smiles/sighs… and then gets depressed. Because he’s not here.
I only have one son currently, and the stress can get heavy without John here to help for long periods of time regularly - I can only imagine what it would be like with 4!
I am insanely happy for you and your family that you’re making a change. I hope it goes smoothly for you guys.
What a great Christmas present for you all.
Jackson, this post moved me so. I think it is very brave of you to share this with “with the denizens of the internet” because in doing so it brings on accountability. (Kind of like when I tell everyone I’m going to start a weight-loss plan…I automatically will be asked how I’m doing on it and it gives me that extra push to keep at it). I also believe doing so may help others to buck up and make the same much needed decision.
I wish you the best in this new decision! You can do it…and it’ll be SO worth it in the long run.
*hugs*